I was made for Afternoons

I'm very aware that in the West, pharmaceuticals are an integral part of our medical treatment. And I am grateful for that in all the forms it comes in to assist with quality and length of life. Working with my GP, I was not surprised that he considered an SSRI as an adjunct to my work with the Psych. Anti - Anxiety meds work well to help calm the fight and flight reflex so it made sense as part of the over all treatment plan. Nonetheless I still nurse some reservations about this. I'm not sure why  - after all much of my work has a mental health and pastoral care focus and I would recommend to people seeing their GP and having a conversation about this very thing!   So after trying a very common anti-anxiety med for three days . . . .  pretty much nothing to report. I felt a bit nauseous and hot for the first two days and today that feels pretty much gone - but I feel like I've just got over the flu. All pretty normal effects apparently and will pass soon ...

So after actually realising that things were not going so well I spent some good time with a psychologist friend. After a few sessions, over a long lunch, in a light bulb moment, she gently says " I think you might have dorsal fatigue" Dorsal Fatigue  (to my understanding) is when the para sympathetic and sympathetic nervous systems  - the fight/flight reflex which  is an ancient way of protecting us - either goes into overdrive or shuts down. In my case it seems that I have just learnt to cope with levels of stress and anxiety rather than letting them go - and my body (as they do) reacted by saying "enough!".  The affects of not really relaxing or getting into flow are that the subconscious pushes to restrict activities so that I can conserve the energy that is being eaten up elsewhere - energy that in the face of my dads passing I no longer had available to control the anxiety and fight/flight. ...

So I thought I'd finished with this blog but the universe seems to have conspired to line up events in such a way that I couldn't help but to write about it . . . .  October 2016 I'm in Caen, France, after spending 4 glorious days in Paris seeing the sites and eating some great food. Caen is a wonderful small town where I wander with my friends, enjoy the history that I am there to learn and reveal in the experience of travel. Early one morning I awaken to missed calls and texts messages. My Dad is fatally ill. Can you come home? 36 hours later via trains and planes, some sleep, much wine, I am down in Mandurah  sitting with Dad, listening to him breathe gently and then finally, with a slight dramatic flourish, dying. The usual chaos follows - family, funerals, fights, and then suddenly . . . . its back to work.  February 2017 I'm exhausted. In such a way that I have never experienced. The summer slipped by in weariness, books and not much else. A go...

O Key of David Come Mystery beyond my control Come Who cannot be boxed Come Who seeks my all, and nothing less Come who comes on the late afternoon breeze in the quickening pace of last minute shopping in excited squeals and overwhelmed tears Who comes in the midnight silence of those Keeping vigil the cloistered ones the mothers the ill in ancient words of emmanuel come.

blurry mornings  weary bones days warm  m inds slow  sitting  waiting longing heart needing  warming despite the weather that day which dawns everything still comes too quick it's surprise leaving  me breathless  solitary as if there is just the child and I as if we two can make the world whole through our shared gaze i have no gift to bring but this torn  tired  soul bent out of shape  a year of encounters leaving their mark  the child  has no wealth nothing    but love

Like many others, Lent seems to have arrived a bit by surprise this year. As I wrote on the usual social media site, I have been looking for what discipline I was going to embrace for the next six weeks. I really wanted to avoid the "give up chocolate, television, trashy magazines " mentality which seems rife at this time of year, looking for something bait deeper and life-giving. The Spirit seems to have ideas for me however, as bed bound with a virus this weekend, I rediscovered two of my heroes - John Henry Newman , Cardinal and Anglo Catholic convert, and Mother Maria Skobtsova , Paris living, intellectual, mother, and Russian orthodox nun. So using this reading plan , and the Skobtsova page above, spiritual reading along with saying the office (morning prayer and compline with the family), and making an effort to be very good and kind this Lent, seems like the way.

joe cocker and the mad dogs grace the player saturday night was bowling lanes with les enfants fedoras grace the hat-stand black for winter straw for summer my t-shirt advertises long since forgotten japanese rock shows skinny ties are worn for formal occasions along with ancient doc martens princess collects tea set antiques while the prince pursues futuristic eighties cartoons ancient liturgie s are celebrated with passion latin is beginning to be understood books from childhood are revisited. i cook from elizabeth david and consider riding my bicycle more this retro life- is it escape from our modern madness malady by retreat to an idolised past? a passing fancy? or is dwelling in the present moment  only possible whilst looking behind?

"To avoid one's brokenness is to turn one's back on the possibility that the Healer might be at work here, perhaps for you, perhaps for another"  Robert Benson From here Maybe this means being honest about my lack of time, my unsteadyness, my busy-ness, my difficultly with slowing down so I can be really present . . . When I can do this, then I can invite others in, fully aware of the "I", then able to come to others without some of the baggage . . .

I am keeping my eyes open for bits and pieces which can help form an underpinning for my minstry work. Here's todays:  "Make no doubt about it, the ability to listen to another, to sit silently in the presence of God, to give sober heed, and to ponder is the nucleus . . . ”  Joan Chittister OSB From here .

T erm has just ended and I am at the beginning of a two week stretch of holidays. I feel spent emotionally, spiritually, physically - and on top of that, I just turned 42, and unusually  for me, I am not sure how I feel about that - just pretty bland actually. Ministry certainly has it's highs and lows and the last 6 months have taught me both where my strengths lie (working with people, hearing their stories and sharing their journey) and my weaknesses (my seeming inability to say no, not being able to jump from context to context as easily as I once did, not keeping my inner life nourished when stress creeps in). Not being one to easily keep resolutions, I am thinking about what I can put in place to keep me  on a far more even keel in the future. My work place have certainly listened to my concerns and my recent appraisal suggested that I be given more time in m job for reflection and spirituality work. Despite all of this, I still have to have bot...

Since I was received into the Catholic Church in 2002, one of the Easter traditions of our family is to make the journey to Holy Trinity Abbey, New Norcia, with some of our extended family, and our closest friends – aging from 2 to 70! We go to pray with our friends the monks and spend time together but most particularly to participate in the Great vigil of Easter. Now, at most parishes, the Vigil is celebrated on the Evening prior to Easter Day. Not so with the Monks. It’s early. 4:30 am to be precise. And the Vigil takes a while. Never much short of 2 ½  hours. We hear all the readings of our salvation history, light candles, splash Holy Water around and there is often a Baptism or Reception into the church as well. As with most liturgy, the Adults have grown into it through the years. We sing, read, play music and are involved in other ways with great thankfulness and privilege. Watching the little ones grow into the liturgy is a greater joy. None of our children can remember ...

Last night the ball The kids out in all their finery God-daughter to-be looking lovely (Dress by Aunty Pru, shoes courtesy of Maisey) Convivial conversation Much ooh and ahh   over dresses n suity attire I wander around A little lost A little amused Nice moment getting photos with a few kids Connection and moving on    all combined in a picture Real alpha and omega stuff My mind wanders about Hopes Dreams Past Present Future Mine and theirs Driving home, After watching them parade through for dinner then doof-doof, I suddenly felt Very old. Am I just carrying the old ways? how do i offer these bright young things hope n wisdom? questions too big for a Friday night i turn up Neil Young make my home through shimmering evening city lights thankful for the journey for love and my companions

head exploding full of plans pulling me this way n that all about whats next what are the options no more study time to do some living perhaps some changing what do the next 20 years hold? where do i want to live? how can i follow my passions? what is worth pursuing? what parts of my life need a desperate prune? what is life giving healing loving? there is an urgency here somewhat perhaps i'm a little preemptive but I see time slip slip slipping away there is so much beauty to see so many experiences yet to have but its not all chasing part of me feels the need to jump (but not off a bridge my friends) to cast off to let go and see where i land holding all this in tension with a beautiful girl the prince and the poet n the hound the basic needs of life can make it seem impossible but to set aside will not help this river keeps flowing the voice keep whispering the heart keeps calling perhaps as old Joe Campbel l said it really is...

150kms North of Perth, I am on retreat at New Norcia. Love been here - it is quiet, ordered and offers space for reflection, and of course, prayer. But I am finding that this time, it is hard to settle in. I suspect this is the result of a frenetic first week at school, and some of the  inner stuff that I came here to address. The pervading questions I have on my mind are " Where am I heading " and " Whats next?" This is not the first time for these query's however. In the past they generally led to a change of job, and in a big move, to joining the Catholic Church. This feels slightly different. I love my job, the many different people I work with, and the personal growth that come out of these close relationships. I couldn't imagine a better place for me right now. I love my family and social life. My immediate family are incredible, and my friends faithful and life-giving. I think I am talking about vision.  Maybe I am asking: What is ...

 In this no-mans land of Ordinary Time until Ash Wednesday, I am turning to the Philokalia - a collection of Spiritual writing form the Orthodox East. Whilst I have had a copy sitting on my shelves for years, this is the first time I have read it with any intent. I am especially looking at Cassians "on the eight vices".   John Cassian is an important figure in monastic life, his Conferences and Institutes containing teaching which still resonates across the Monastic East and West.  "The Eight Vices" is a reflection on those areas in our lives which bring us pain and suffering (perhaps we could even say sin?) because we fail to address them in the light of the spirit. Day 1 : On Control of the Stomach.  To eat moderately and reasonably is to keep the body in health, not to deprive it of holiness Cassian show his sense of balance immediately, beginning this discussion about the use and misuse of food immediately. Not everyone can follow the same rule of eating,...

the lull continues 08 09 just days of distant past another man another life same issues same gifts less strength perhaps more insight hopefully deeper if not wider still keeping the flame still asking why still wanting more still wanting it all dreaming hoping praying looking for the secret key looking through the dross looking for signs  of love of life these days of christmas the day itself slip sliding away continue the celebration we cook we eat we drink we share with friends we recover we sleep - lots - the heat suffocating the sport awful pages if new books turned music played repeatedly emails ignored happy christmas season my friends n fiends god be with  you

my soul is tired but my hands want to keep being busy my mind restless but full of plans the days of christmas and summer stretch before me like fresh paper a beach in winter a monks cell these days of opportunity a paradox to not do: is to heal is to just be: frustrating leaving the year behind and moving forward a challenge. Sleep. Wine. Silence. Prayer. Zen. Friends. Walks. Love. My solution.

day of sun of coffee and pancakes of endurance through long afternoons (Which as you are aware - I was made for) today's theme at the temple life after death the great wide open (to quote Tom P) the beyond when love finally conquers all . . . strange how death brings up so many emotions for us fear dread denial as if that breath you just took will go on forever the older i get the less i fear perhaps I am just fooling myself but there is nothing to fear in the hands of the mystery in the end there is only love to be loved is to be held to be safe to be known for who you truly are St Iraneus used to say be fully alive for there is no greater return for the gift of life i want to feel it all to go deep to do the really true stuff to discover who I am who you are sometimes this is all too much it requires too much leaving too much unknowing which makes me panic and freeze but we must go on when the last breath ...

some days just blah who am i kidding? what do i know about entering the mystery? about anything actually i get insecure i get lost i get confused i stuff up i stuff down two steps forward and one step back now, i know freends this is just the way of it but geezzzzzeeee you'd think after all this time on the road i'd be a little surer a little sounder. this way of casting off is not the easy path its the listening game to yourself to the other to the mystery only travelling with what is needed the one word the single sign the burning coal i do know i believe in love this stays with me when everything else seems to leave i'm a sucker for the romantic the boy meets girl magic makes the world go round and if it goes right then we are all the better for it its only the little story of the big one the love which enfolds sustains creates forgives and renews but still it matters to me. i hope you are in love my friends. i h...

Land flies by a white sphere carrying the future generations father son and princess southerly direction the great highway opens before us: the future the present the past all meld into one flying through the outback suburbs blur train lines join and straighten great power line monsters pace their way across acres of subdivision and chalk markings children cry puppy alternates between wake and sleep we visit the elders we cook and talk and discuss the old time the puppy brings some joy to the bed bound the children bring joy to them all I sit and take it all in for once aware of the moment of its awe of its mystery these days will not always be these too will pass away i will be left i will grieve and i too will pass away in that moment I thought of all those I love of my dearest friends and companions of the great love mystery which enacted us to be drawn together i was thankful i was awed i was humbled by all the love shown to me you who read this are part of this mystery too for...