blue (apologies to joni)

moments of madness
holes in my soul
the bottom drops out
the wave immanent
crashing around me for long moments outside of time
quick sand
into which I fall
no help for this heart
though surrounded by love
by all he wanted. . .

despair appears from nowhere
clothed in whimsy
dressed in rags
appearing as a ghost of time
the present moment obscured
I live in the unknown future
and the unchangeable past
i ring old friends
my voice
a moment of their history
we talk
catch up
exchange stories of our children n lives
make unsure plans to meet
it eases me for a while
probably freaks them out
oh well

this desperate need to be connected
with myself
with my legacy or something
i write
i talk
i sit silent
i don't cry - its not like that
is this midlife?
this radical disconnection?
is this growth
or guilt?
hurt depression pain?
none of this capture it
a dark night of some sort
there is no blame
i am aware of the mystery
that i am in it
not trying to solve anything
don't think i want to
i am just here
and
blue

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