I was made for Afternoons

strolling the puppy ipod blaring me favourite tunes a little sanctuary whilst exercising the heart thinking i think more clearly when i'm walking. this little audience you n me freends just the two of us talking n thinking trying to get ya to think to feel how i feel see things my way is it a huge exercise in ego a desperate need to connect or a hobby a lite diversion for the soul?

today day of talk with the nurse who took my bp (still high btw) finding out she has completed her degree only a short time ago after been a nurse in a hospital for ages and talking bout my new job n all that means with a fellow traveller about power structures about hierarchy about decision making about families about change and all of this in a library of all places with my lovely assistant who listens to me reassures me praises me blows up my ego like a balloon reflects with me laughs at my silliness n loves me nonetheless with the prince and poet in da auto on da way to school bout helping n obeying n other boring stuff and bless em they quoted me back word for word on the way home! with the Lord of all without words but with love sometimes in fear but with hope longing for silence seeking it there and hoping to stay

stopped wound down out to lunch pausing a complete stand still holy-day down time a night i'd rather forget poet and mrs each ill baths n buckets n sips of water has led to a day which I needed unable to go out for breakfast unable to drive one and one half hours to visit my parents unable to be at the temple instead late up books television computer a walk napping a coffee soup the littlies are unsure how to handle this and i realise for all my piousness about space n prayer n time we are as driven as the next fam n need to stop for our lives for my heart for our faith for each other and just be. blessing to you this day freends

recovered from yesterdays drs visit n blowing up the ecg machine by having two littilies for a sleepova then an early morning tis a wonder the ticker didn't crack a wobbly n stop right then. after the weekend morning rite of car cafe coffee coming-to-my-senses we went to see roly the clown at a local holy place n the kids loved it n he was funny n made a lot of jokes about church structures n stuff a brilliant one about archbishops coming out which the littlies missed altogether thank goodness he balanced n juggled threw in bit of the mystery story n it was great loads a kids n parents n fun n food how the universe should be but what was not so great was the sheer volume of crossed frocked collared professionals wandering around with an air of confidence in their relevance simply by being there smiling benignly proud to holy men n women i always struggle with this one half of me wants out there un ashamedly self possessed faith the other half knows hiddenness and darkness ...

fear loneliness agitation more fear my heart beating like a bat out of hell (sorry Mr Loaf) connected to a machine for a short time counting the beats (or lack of) from my heart eager dr watching the screen until it broke thats right i broke the machine or my heart did no means to record the beat the hip hop trance of my life source broken heart breaking heart achy breaky ... sorry folks. but as it appears i am ok heart doing a few back flips a few beats disappearing in the ether but all normal besides so in the modern way knowing that i am ok we send the mystic man for a battery of tests to cover the medical profession to pursue what we know is not there for fear of retribution. How much of what we do is governed by fear of what others will do? cash opinion social status all can be undone by anothers hate or so called "rights" their greed to control have you not seen this freends the scramble for the top the lust for more desire for that which we have not original sin re...

re listening to the latest crowdies album more this week neil is concerned with deeper things than usual the opening track nobody wants to a meditation on our personal and societal reluctance to discuss death and pain in any way we used to cry we used to say why it sometimes seems like years of trying to break the cycle of the alpha macho male have achieved nothing those men i know well just seemed confused actually we don't what we are or what we're meant to be and we're lucky we have women in our lives who let us explore next track don't stop now... is the devil gunna track me down... sometimes you have turn the wrong way round.. have you been there? when the only way back to redemption of some sort or another seems to beto reinvent yourself maybe going back the way you've come but with new eyes maybe doing all you didn't do the first time around later songs take up connected themes but theres time for them another day for now i am encouraged that someone is a...

the littlies back today yesterday i spent half the clock talking about progress about what had been done n undone about the future and the past some heard it well some didn't want to hear that all was not well with their offspring (sigh) i see it i really do but the truth is not easy anytime and especially when the children are little and are only beginning this great journey we expect fully formed little humans the opportunities for exploration for growth for delving n diving are small no more after school by the creek tearing around town on your bike playing street football with ya mates now its all catch up worksheets french horn lessons Chinese whispers dancing hedgehog training god, what a mess we are making over stimulated under creative tired stressed under tens we expect brilliance in everything no time for failure for learning its all win win win now now now succeed succeed succeed take take take take beat beat beat higher faster longer more more more what a disease my rep...

i remember when i was younger thinking that as you get older issues would resolve themselves i'm not talking big things here freends but simple personal things like when i'm thirty i'll be more confident (fat chance) when i'm more experienced i'll be more organized this or that will come more easily when i am older wiser richer holier and its simply not being the case with me some things do indeed take on a lesser significance like doing things in public (nice things - like singing or speaking) worry me less other things like my health worry me more somethings like seeking approval balancing the budget worrying bout offending people seem to be much the same really different intensities but always there under the surface i don't think i'm alone in this this ravage which tears at you when you least expect it it is a loneliness an enforced solitude from which there can seem no escape fear of pain shame isolation loss all is loneliness and love the only cu...

the poet and i are with the monks up the road it rained steadily all the way here belting in fact like an answer to prayer flood waters a mother berating a child this rain what are you doing? asks the poet writing on my blog i say i was made for afternoons she muses and returns to her barbie google searching she is doing well here at the abbey sat quietly during prayers n lunch' baited and laughed with one of the monks who baited teased and laughed with her it is good to stop here amidst the rain n bells n prayer as the term begins once again a term which will bring great changes n challenges to me but bring it on i say... during the week i picked up some finished mixes of me and a mates musical voyages n low and behold it rocks it rolls its manna from heaven for heavy human souls you will love it freends you really truly absolutely will i'll post a bit soon for ya all now a sleep and a sing lovely.

laps again this morning but a sore body meant yesterdays 12 was reducced to the more customary 10 still waiting for news as to when the new engagement will begin the two parties quoting paper to each other n promoting the merits of their point of view but yours truly doesnot feel caught it is but another choice another thing which is out of my control as the new life approaches itunes would seem to hold all the answers to my fears hopes issues difficulties and general existential wanderings first question will i b happy in the new job? begin, by ben lee seems to be a good thing, beginning letting things just happen after starting this process is good -i like it! second question what will be my greatest challenge in the next 12 months? don't stop now, crowded house great answer i can't see what is right in front of us sings neil well neither can i mate question three will i find some friends at the new work place? looking for co co by my missus i sure am gonna miss her in t...

the job is mine i am da man a scared man a new man a sacred man with any luck the new ministery blokey whatsit to a universal community controlling the ebb n flow of divine observance walking with others in sun n rain sending da young ones to learn and grow supporting da weak lovin all who cross my door (i am not even sure if i have an office...) sounds like a good deal does it not? but freends between us i am sure i can't do this not without love not without living in community not without living in da mystery not without help so remember me freends as i embark on this mysterious voyage into being sort of useless but essential sort of part of everything but called to be outside part of the community but not a teacher or student or administrator... living on the edge of all a freend called it sounds like a good place to be actually! love ya freends

an early start to drop friends for a holiday then to the pool the whole crew young prince has lessons i swim ten laps back n forth while the poet plays n splashes nearby part of my wholeness getting back into my body while the whole world seems to want you out of it by eating n partying then glorifying the petite n slim the painfully slender the vanishing are held up as models mixed messages recieved children stunted money spent to maintain the illusion memberships won n lost time lost balance hard to achieve but it felt good to be in the water try n b elegnat try n b fast just try legs n arms pleasntly ache now as I write to ya freends a sure sign of doin some good the day beckons now house to organize shopping to endure love to speak music to make

day comes round without any help good sleep long walk marking the minutes until da time suit tie watch nervous wee shaky drive down road then sit n breathe n breathe watch the birds in the trees channel the mystery the divine love inside relax it is all a game new job old job this chance n that change the circumstances but not the man so i opened the door n met the panel da boss da priest da deputy dan question n answers careful looks n silence then its over 40 minutes of life invested then questions self evaluation flagellation recrimination sensation but how can you get to no a soul from 8 sheets of paper n a forty minute chat? can you see who they could be? what they could bring? who they are really underneath it all? so now I wait slightly less than patiently for a call n pretend to be nonchalant to see this way or that

wedding day yesterday a friends sisters extravaganza of an event me n ck drivin autos n singing n preparing madly poet n prince both enchanted by the night the throng of a crowd the ice statue which the little prince decided he wanted to lick too much humanity for this wanderer the rite n ritual in the afternoon my favourite family n friends n feends all gathered with one heart of love to bless the new couple n invoke the presence of the mystery church simple n lite then photo ops at the beach in the rich late afternoon light of winter ice cream for ck and da uther driver we sat and talked bicycles n france n work n houses n kids all good highlight of day for me actually then to da party which always leaves ck a little cold inside food n wine (of which i partook with a willingness) dancin n speeches eventually bed sleeplessness for all at the hotel the temperature too warm you see a late breakfast back to the prince n poet and then sleep for a few hours before renewing our fr...

dear blog dear thoughts i haven't abandoned you entirely i have been away away in every sense the pressures of the world the life we live which i give into bearing down and crushing our fragile spirits had become too much until now last week i turned another year older thirty eight cycles on exploration a good time to stop and think but i needed more a kick up the proverbial as usual it came in threes maybe a new job in which i would spend my time thinking about the mystery and trying to tell others a new church record from 06 kilbeys lyrics get me every time "thankyou to the lord for creating all this there's a whole lot of pain before we get to the bliss" yeah.... and then my chosen expression of mystery seems to be going backwards or at least standing still my limited efforts to balance seem to come to nothing i sit on the line on many things i see good and bad here there and everywhere a true post modern me thinketh it so easy to forget how to live in the mystery ...