heart matter

i remember when i was younger
thinking that as you get older
issues would resolve themselves
i'm not talking big things here freends
but simple personal things
like
when i'm thirty i'll be more confident
(fat chance)
when i'm more experienced
i'll be more organized
this or that will come more easily
when i am older wiser richer holier
and its simply
not being the case with me
some things do indeed
take on a lesser significance
like doing things in public
(nice things - like singing or speaking)
worry me less
other things
like my health
worry me more
somethings like
seeking approval
balancing the budget
worrying bout offending people
seem to be
much the same really
different intensities
but always there
under the surface
i don't think i'm alone in this
this ravage which tears at you
when you least expect it
it is a loneliness
an enforced solitude
from which there can seem no escape
fear of pain shame isolation loss
all is loneliness
and love the only cure

this morning i sang for the monks
n the small gathering of guests n freends
who faithfully make their way to the abbey
for sustenance
the poet accompanied me this time
n sat by me during the ritual
i was almost shaking
almost outside myself
what if i make a mistake?
my heart beating its way outside my chest
is it skipping beats? i wondered
how will face all of these people if i sing a mistake?
and i can even now
recounting this to you freends
feel the coldness inside me
heaviness of spirit
clunking of feet
as i made my way to the lectern to begin
but the smile of a child
who just wants your company
your love
your arm around them
brings you back to yourself

without love we die
with love we can conquer
the hardest things
and it would seem that
todays business with the monks
had love
as the heart
of the
matter