dreaming of a past future

i could sleep
but
waking every 2 hours
gives you a restlessness
unlike any other
you have slept
but not fully or deeply
you have refreshed
partly
the half empty wine glass
you're half a party
a mid point
half alive
half ready
half self
half life

i dreamed
the same dream
in installments
continued on
after each momentary waking
my father dead
i walked through a grey world
not happy, obviously
not sad
just grey
talking to people
making arrangements
consoling my mother
i don't recall tears
of grief
perhaps anguish
a failure to really
grip it.
when i was younger i never feared
death much
but now
now with my own children and missus
life seems more
intense
more precious
more fragile
more beautiful

i dont fear my parents death
i fear my own
reaction
the emotional turmoil
even though i
know thats the deal
thats the stuff
the only way
perhaps i do fear my own death
the legacy i may leave
what would i ...

too many questions today.

breathe.

see ya later.

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