fear of fear and fearing fear fearfully

do we ever truly escape the past?
does its influence
within us
ever cease?
can we be freed
even if we desire
such a thing?
long forgotten moments of
unawareness
dis-compassion
ego driven selfishness
what-the-hell-was-i-thinking-ness
bite
and maul
as if they had been
biding their time
like stalking wolves
some i know suffer
with the black dog
a universe of grey n more grey
where nothing is happy or sad
it just is
i suppose this is the same
when my defences are down
fear comes skulking its heels back
the real n unreal
the healed n wounded
imaginary n true
all vying for my attention
my self worth plummets
a knot in my stomach the comrade at arms
immobilised
all seems real when these moments occur
the worst
will happen
i shall be
penniless
my family
shall leave
abandoned
damaged
spurned
broken ...
this how fear leaves me
shaken not stirred
exhausted
needing compassion
companionship
but afraid to receive it
for fear...

so i write freends
to you
getting it out
breaking it open
i seek silence
prayer
walking
music
and wait for the healing breeze.
for you see
i
like you
have been here
before
it is only time
which brings relief
i can half smile
imagine myself
and the new
beginning

peace

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